Midnight Sweethearts

By Dr. Jennifer Baxt, DMFT, NCC, DCC

 Lets be honest, the problem of teenage drinking doesnt enter the mind of most parents, especially when looking into those innocent eyes of a baby. How can they possibly grow into a teenager with an alcohol problem? It may not seem possible that it could happen to your child, but the reality is that it can and for many it will. Turning a blind eye to the possible problem and not taking any preventive measures will only make it more likely to happen. It will also most likely mean that getting the teenager to accept they have a drinking problem and deal with it will be more difficult to do.

Raising children in a healthy family relationship is the first step in helping to prevent that situation. Next is being open with your child and reassuring them that you are there to support them and help them through whatever difficulties they may go through in life. Lastly, it is to discourage the act of allowing underage children the odd drink with special meals and/or special occasions. It is not uncommon for many parents to allow their children a small glass of wine during a toast at a special dinner or occasion; unfortunately, they are introducing their children to alcohol before they understand the responsibilities that come with drinking. Besides that, alcohol is, basically, a poison to the body and can cause harm to those who drink too much at one time. Being the responsible parent who realizes that teen drinking is a very real problem in todays world will not only seek to educate their children early on about the problems associated with drinking, they will also develop an open relationship with their children so that they feel they have support from family instead of turning to substance abuse for the answer. This effort, of course, does not entirely guarantee that your teenager will not develop a drinking problem. Keeping an eye open for signs of trouble, such as a change of personality or attitude, is a good way to be aware of whether the teenager may be developing such a problem.

If your teenager were to develop a drinking problem, catching it as soon as possible and dealing with it immediately will ensure a better chance that the teenager can deal with it; however, many parents are at a loss of what to do. Fortunately, the internet is a resource that can be crucial to helping a parent to pull their teenager away from their problem. Consulting an online counselor is a great idea for anyone who doesnt know what to do. Online counselors offer their services online so that they are accessible to anyone who needs some help. Speaking with an online therapist may also be more comfortable for the teenager because they may not feel that their space or business is being invaded too much. Online therapy could be beneficial to both the parents and their troubled teen because they can get the advice and help they need in the comfort of their home.

Jennifer Baxt is the owner of CompleteCounselingSolutions.com which offers a variety of online counseling services. If you would like to know more about Jennifer or any of our online therapists, visit our website.

How To Speak Up To an Abusive and Intimidating Colleague
By maureen collins

 Many people work with abusive and intimidating colleagues. The situation is especially difficult when they are in positions of seniority. Speaking up carries the risk that you will damage your career. Keeping quiet carries the risk that you will damage your health!

Most of us start out by putting up with abusive behaviour. Confronting it is too difficult and the stakes are too high. As time goes on we become stressed; we are permanently exhausted; we dread going to work. Eventually we ask for a transfer or leave the company. Less often we explode with pent up frustration and anger.

While confronting abusive people is always difficult, it is possible to set up a conversation where you can safely speak about how you feel and then ask that you talk through the problem.

Consider a situation where one of the executives in your organisation is constantly finding fault with your work and criticizing you in front of others. You do not understand where this is coming from and you find it hard not to be defensive. You decide to talk to him. You know it will be a difficult conversation because he is touchy and likely to blow up at the least provocation.

Keep in mind that you are having the conversation to clear the air and put your relationship onto a better footing. You might even find the person is surprised by your reaction and had no idea he was coming over as intimidating. Also remember that in some way you might be part of the problem!

First decide exactly what you are going to confront. You have to choose between talking about the pattern of the behaviour, or describing just one example. In this case, it would be safer to choose one instance and hope that he will pick up on your feelings about his behaviour as a whole.

A safe question that would get you started could be: Can I talk to you about something that is concerning me. This opening draws his attention to the conversation and sets a serious tone, without going into the content of the issue.

Then be very clear and specific about the behaviour that is upsetting you. If you choose one example of behaviour, speak up soon after it occurs, when you both have a clear memory of what was said. Keep it short. A long list of what he said or did will start to sound like an accusation and risk your getting an explosive reaction.

You might say: This morning when you gave me feedback on my project report you did so at my desk in front of the team. When you raised your voice, I noticed others looking over at us.

When you have described the behaviour that you find upsetting, describe how you feel about it. Choose your words carefully and use them tentatively. You could say: Maybe you do not intend this but sometimes I feel like you think I am incompetent.

Then invite the person to talk to you. You could use a very open question such as: How do you see it? Or you could be even less confrontational and say: Is there something I do that is creating the situation between us?

Listen very carefully to their reply. You may find it difficult to acknowledge that their view of the situation differs widely from yours and you may feel defensive if you are told that your own behaviour is at fault.

There are always two sides to a story. You will only get to the bottom of a problem when you have heard both of them. Then you can decide what can be done to resolve the situation.

Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people. Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za

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Develop Better Working Relationships by Speaking Up When People Stress You
By maureen collins

 Most people have experienced change in their working lives in recent years. It may have been a major restructuring of your department or your organisation, or something as apparently straight forward as moving from your own private office into an open plan environment.

Either way, it is common to find yourself working closely with a new group of people in working conditions where you have to be concerned not only about their competence, but also about their personal behaviour and often irritating habits.

Knowing how to speak up when the person next to you is driving you crazy becomes an important skill in our highly pressurised working environments. Mostly, we do not speak up at all. We are scared that we will say the wrong thing, cause offense and make matters worse. However, long days spent close beside a person with personal habits you find irritating or distasteful can become very, very stressful.

It can be the rave music ring tone on their mobile, set at loud: or the way they shriek hello to their friends: it can be the way they talk loudly close to your desk or an irritating laugh: it might even be the smell of the garlic salami they eat at mid morning or the takeaway cartons that are left around after lunch!

These conversations are difficult because they are personal, and because they are to do with your own likes or dislikes. There is no obvious right or wrong in most of them, and they only have an indirect link to job performance.

If you say nothing the problem will continue and you will become more and more irritated and stressed. If you speak up you may do more harm than good, damaging your working relationship and maybe even the productivity of the team.

You need to plan how you are going to speak up.

Setting the right tone in the opening to one of these conversations is vital. Let us say that you are irritated by one of your female colleagues who stands close by your desk laughing and chatting to others while you are trying to work. You might open the conversation by saying: Can I talk to you about something that is bothering me.

Then explain what is concerning you. Keep it short and as simple as you can, but be specific. You could say: I spend a lot of time on the phone with clients and I need to hear exactly what they say. Sometimes you stand close to my desk when you chat to; and then name the people she talks to.

To make sure you do not sound unfriendly or accusing, you might add: I am not suggesting that you stop coming around to chat to us.

Then you can explain how her behaviour is affecting you: It is just that when you talk and laugh I find it difficult to hear my clients on the phone.

You have said it! You have not been accusing or disrespectful, but you have explained clearly how you are feeling. Then you can invite her to share in the conversation, by using a question: Could we try and agree something that will work for both of us here.

A conversation like this is not easy but with some planning you can make it safe. The rewards for having it are better working conditions, better working relationships and a whole lot less stress. That does make it worth trying!

Maureen Collins trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people in her consulting practice, Straight Talk. She has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za

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