Three Ideas That (online dating tips) Will Get You Started When You Have to Hold a Difficult Conversation

November 2nd, 2008 admin Posted in relationships |

By maureen collins

Talking is easy when people see the world in much the same way, when they know they can trust each other, when they have the best interests of each other at heart and when there is time to agree on exactly what has happened. It is all the other times that are the problem: when there is disagreement, when people have hidden agendas, when you are feeling accused or threatened, when you have been deceived or let down previously, and when the stakes are high.

Difficult conversations are unavoidable at times. As managers, we dread performance appraisal discussions with people who are not performing, but who are defensive at the least suggestion of feedback. As employees, we dread feedback from managers who give it loudly, in voices dripping with sarcasm, in front of our colleagues. We face difficult conversations with friends, neighbours and in personal and family relationships. And then there is the conversation we keep putting off with the colleague in the open plan office whose personal hygiene is suspect to say the least!

It is not difficult to see why people try to avoid these conversations. There are many strategies that we turn to. We retreat to the TV, hide behind a newspaper or become absorbed in a book. We deflect enquiry, freezing out friends and partners with the classic, No, no, I am fine, really! Then, knowing that attack is the best form of defense, we blame, accuse and exaggerate when we can hold our feelings in no longer.

When we do not speak up about things that concern us, the issues remain unresolved, relationships disintegrate, and we end up talking less and less. But it is surprising how little it takes to make the difference between a conversation that sounds like a street fight and a calm discussion of the issue that leads to agreement on a solution.

Start with three ideas.

First, take the age old advice to think before you speak and plan what you will say BEFORE you open the conversation. Count to 10. While you are counting, look at the situation from the perspective of the other person. While you may think that they are the cause of the problem, it is quite likely they feel just as strongly that you are the cause of the problem! There are always at least two sides to a problem. If you try to see sides other than your own, you are less likely to come across as arrogant, accusing and pushy.

Then focus on the facts. What exactly happened? Who said what? When? How? Where? Describe the events as clearly and precisely as you can. Try to separate the facts from your own opinions and how you feel about the situation. If you put the facts forward clearly, you allow people to hold different views of them, without having to challenge the facts themselves.

Thirdly, put a label on how you feel. Are you disappointed, embarrassed, uncertain, apprehensive, confused, hurt? Think how you can explain your feelings without accusing anyone of causing them. The difference between, I was embarrassed, and, You embarrassed me, is the accusation in the second statement that will come across loud and clear. You can be sure that if the person you are speaking to feels accused they will start to defend themselves, and the conversation will be all downhill from that point.

Start with these ideas and see what a difference they can make to your conversations and to your relationships with the people around you.

Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication skills in the business world. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people.

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http://www.straight-talk.co.za

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How to Resolve Communication Problems with Colleagues so You Work Together More Effectively
By maureen collins

When you have really good working relationships with your colleagues, you can move mountains. You trust and support one another; you can anticipate problems. Communication is open, easy and often unspoken. It is easy to discuss problems or mistakes and to give and receive feedback. Conversations become creative problem solving sessions and productivity soars. You feel energised just by being in the team together.

When relationships in a team are poor and they start to affect communication, it is a very different story. We usually start off by trying to ignore the problem. We focus on just getting the job done, and hope that the personal stuff will resolve itself. But this seldom works and as time goes on communication becomes more strained and working effectively together becomes more difficult. Productivity drops, the team comes under pressure, and relationships disintegrate further. Often the only thing to do is to take time out and fix the relationship. Once that is done, you can get on with moving mountains.

Conversations about how we relate to each other tend to be some of the most difficult to hold, but in the long term, they can be the most rewarding. They are difficult for a number of reasons. First, it is likely that the people involved see the situation in very different ways. A colleague whose tone of voice you find condescending may be completely unaware of how they sound. A manager who reprimands you in front of colleagues thinks he is merely giving you corrective feedback. An employee whose attitude you find negative and disruptive believes they have a realistic view of events. And the people you thought arrogant and unhelpful? Maybe they were pushing for a deadline and did not even notice you were around!

The risk in holding one of these conversations is high. You might discover that your own behaviour is contributing to the problem. If you do not handle the conversation well, you may damage the relationship further and turn a difficult situation into one that becomes intolerable, making it even more difficult to work together! To make things worse, since the issues are personal, emotions run high. The only certainty is that the longer the conversation is delayed, the worse the problem becomes!

Step up to the conversation, but plan it carefully.

How will you find a time when you can talk without pressure? Where will you have the conversation so people are comfortable and where you have privacy? Think very carefully about the words you will use to open the conversation and how you will do so in a way that sets a constructive tone and avoids an accusation. You want to talk, not fight!

Then think through what has happened that has given rise to your concerns. Was it something that someone said, or did not say? Was it an event, or a situation in which you found yourself? Think of recent examples that everyone can relate to. Be concise and specific.

Then plan how you will describe your feelings about the situation. You must communicate them clearly because they provide the motive power to the conversation. Your description of the events should show how they arose so that others will be able to understand why you feel as you do. For example, if you are upset about a pattern of behaviour, your description of events should illustrate the pattern, not only one instance.

Then, because there are two sides to every story, think about how you will invite the other person into the conversation, and how you will listen to what they say with the same respect that you want them to show to you.

If you plan conversations on this basis you will find that you can discuss many difficult relationship issues and find resolution to them. Once you make a conversation safe, you have a much better chance of getting to the bottom of the problem, and clearing it out of the way. Then you can indeed move mountains!

Relationship Success Strategies - Do You Operate on Values, Integrity and Purpose?
By Ken Donaldson

I was preparing for a couple of presentations for the Women On the Way (W.O.W.) program at our local St. Petersburg College (my A.A./A.S. degree alma mater).

I am always honored to go back to my old “stomping grounds” to do presentations, but even more so for this group, as most of the people connected with the WOW program are coming back to school after some major life transition.

This program is designed to be a support for their success. They are my heroes, as they all use this support network to help each other be successful.

I do believe the world could learn something from WOW.

The workshop that I was presenting was entitled The Secrets Of Relationship Success: Know Your Roots and Bear Good Fruit. I like to use acronyms when I present, as they are easy for me to remember, and they seem to have a lasting impression on the audience.

There were two that came up that have been very helpful: V.I.P. and S.A.D.

The standard V.I.P. is traditionally translated to Very Important Person, but for the purpose of this workshop it stood for Values, Integrity and Purpose. I believe these three elements build the “foundational triad” which enables us to have fulfilling and lasting relationships. Let me elaborate…

- Values - This is what you determine to be most important in your life. When you know your values, it is easier to make decisions because you know what fits and what doesn’t. Therefore, decisions about what to do, who to share your life with, and when to exit due to a values clash, all become much clearer.

Spend some time this week and write down your ten highest values. Check in with your values list regularly.

- Integrity - Integrity is the path that you walk according to your values. When your actions (your “outer self”) match your values (your “inner self”) you are walking a path of integrity. Integrity comes from the word that means “wholeness”, therefore you live a more whole, or complete life when you stay in your integrity. This path leaves you feeling good about yourself as you will not disrespect your own values as long as you stay on the path.

Write two lists of behavioral indicators; one that reminds you of when you are in integrity, and the other that lets you know when you are leaving your integrity. Review the list daily and commit yourself to the path of integrity.

- Purpose - Your purpose is your own personal “True North”. It becomes the compass of your Life Journey that pulls you forward to your Highest Good. When you know your life purpose, and you live on purpose, you are fulfilled and have an “inner knowing” that you are going in the direction that you will serve you and humankind the best.

Spend some time with the following: The purpose of my life is ___________. Keep working it until it is a perfect “10″ for you. Then, make it a daily mantra that you live by.

On the flipside of V.I.P. is S.A.D…

- Selfless - People who do not know their values or their purpose have difficulty being true to themselves, much less walking their own Life Path. By default, they often succumb to what others value and often find themselves being pulled from one direction to another. They are controlled much of the time by outer influences instead of their inner self.

- Assuming - Because these people have a poor sense of their self, they live by making many assumptions. They often assume that if someone shows them attention or affection, it must be a good thing since it feels good, and they can easily get into a relationship or situation that is unhealthy. They have a poor “filtering” or screening system since they do not know who they really are.

- Dependant - These people are prone to become very dependant. They allow others to make their choices for them. They take on others values. They become fearful of others leaving them due to their dependency, so they often give up more and more of their self the longer they stay involved.

When you live the V.I.P. life, you leave no space to be S.A.D. So…Are you living a V.I.P. or a S.A.D. life?

My vote and encouragement is to put all your energy into being the V.I.P. that you were truly meant to be. After all, you are a Very Important Person…WOW!!

Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.

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