Midnight Sweethearts

By Rosemary Lichtman

 Across the United States and around the world, the effects of the financial crisis continue to spread - foreclosures are widespread, banks are being taken over, stock markets are erratic, credit is frozen and bankruptcies are increasing. No one can predict with certainty the long-term effects on the economy, but most pundits agree that this collapse will not right itself in the near future.

How is all this affecting you? Are you anxious and angry - on the verge of taking out your frustration over the financial news on those around you? Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, this is a good time for you to look inward and reflect on your actions within the family. Only by becoming aware of the potential for abuse can you honestly assess your own behavior.

While a number of factors have been recognized as causes of domestic violence - mental illness, substance abuse, certain innate personality traits, low self-esteem, poor impulse control and a history of being battered - social stressors have been identified as having a particularly strong impact on abusers. Poverty, lack of control and feelings of powerlessness can lead to the perpetrator’s perceived need to dominate family members. And this is linked to increased levels of mistreatment. During the current plummet of world markets, those who abuse are more likely to express their feelings of frustration in more belligerent ways.

Many people who are normally calm are stressed by the financial meltdown and concerned that they are spiraling out of control. If this sounds familiar, you could be emotionally at risk for harming your spouse, children, or elders under your care. If you are worried about your hostile attitude and aggressive behavior, begin to address your own fragility by following these suggestions:

1. Work with a therapist to develop anger management skills and techniques for dealing with disappointment. Within the protective environment of a professional’s office, you can share your hostile feelings, express your anger and then learn how to keep your aggression in check. As you improve communication, using words instead of physicality, you will feel more competent and in control. Psychological treatment will also lead you to insight, and the opportunity to understand the underlying roots of your negative emotions and behavior.

2. Learn stress reduction strategies by attending a seminar, group or yoga class. Contact your local psychological association to find out what other resources are available in your community. Gather information from the Internet or self help books about how to minimize the impact of the financial pressures you are now experiencing.

3. Keep communication open with your spouse, children and aging parents. Talk out disagreements before they become heated arguments that get out of control. Don’t put a lid on your emotions, just on expressing them in an aggressive manner. When conflicts arise, agree to be flexible and cooperative - and work toward reaching a compromise.

4. Ask for help and get support from those around you in order to reduce the stress in your life. See a financial planner to set some goals and make a concrete plan about how to achieve them. Where you can, take action to relieve your worries. When you are not feeling so overwhelmed by your responsibilities and commitments, your negative feelings are not as likely to boil over.

5. Practice relaxation techniques on a daily basis to help manage the tensions you are feeling. Make time to go for a walk, exercise at the gym, listen to soothing music or just put your feet up. Learn deep breathing or guided imagery to help you unwind and settle down.

These times of economic freefall are stressful for everyone. Investors are feeling insecure, not knowing what to expect next. Without a financial safety net, you may feel out of control as credit dries up, your 401K declines and your retirement benefits disappear. It’s not easy to keep your emotions in check but you have a responsibility to learn to control your behavior so that it is not abusive. You owe that to your family - and yourself.

(c) 2008, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. is co-founder of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. She is co-author of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers and family relationships. She offers a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through the website.

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Relationship Success Strategies - Do You Operate on Values, Integrity and Purpose?
By Ken Donaldson

 I was preparing for a couple of presentations for the Women On the Way (W.O.W.) program at our local St. Petersburg College (my A.A./A.S. degree alma mater).

I am always honored to go back to my old “stomping grounds” to do presentations, but even more so for this group, as most of the people connected with the WOW program are coming back to school after some major life transition.

This program is designed to be a support for their success. They are my heroes, as they all use this support network to help each other be successful.

I do believe the world could learn something from WOW.

The workshop that I was presenting was entitled The Secrets Of Relationship Success: Know Your Roots and Bear Good Fruit. I like to use acronyms when I present, as they are easy for me to remember, and they seem to have a lasting impression on the audience.

There were two that came up that have been very helpful: V.I.P. and S.A.D.

The standard V.I.P. is traditionally translated to Very Important Person, but for the purpose of this workshop it stood for Values, Integrity and Purpose. I believe these three elements build the “foundational triad” which enables us to have fulfilling and lasting relationships. Let me elaborate…

- Values - This is what you determine to be most important in your life. When you know your values, it is easier to make decisions because you know what fits and what doesn’t. Therefore, decisions about what to do, who to share your life with, and when to exit due to a values clash, all become much clearer.

Spend some time this week and write down your ten highest values. Check in with your values list regularly.

- Integrity - Integrity is the path that you walk according to your values. When your actions (your “outer self”) match your values (your “inner self”) you are walking a path of integrity. Integrity comes from the word that means “wholeness”, therefore you live a more whole, or complete life when you stay in your integrity. This path leaves you feeling good about yourself as you will not disrespect your own values as long as you stay on the path.

Write two lists of behavioral indicators; one that reminds you of when you are in integrity, and the other that lets you know when you are leaving your integrity. Review the list daily and commit yourself to the path of integrity.

- Purpose - Your purpose is your own personal “True North”. It becomes the compass of your Life Journey that pulls you forward to your Highest Good. When you know your life purpose, and you live on purpose, you are fulfilled and have an “inner knowing” that you are going in the direction that you will serve you and humankind the best.

Spend some time with the following: The purpose of my life is ___________. Keep working it until it is a perfect “10″ for you. Then, make it a daily mantra that you live by.

On the flipside of V.I.P. is S.A.D…

- Selfless - People who do not know their values or their purpose have difficulty being true to themselves, much less walking their own Life Path. By default, they often succumb to what others value and often find themselves being pulled from one direction to another. They are controlled much of the time by outer influences instead of their inner self.

- Assuming - Because these people have a poor sense of their self, they live by making many assumptions. They often assume that if someone shows them attention or affection, it must be a good thing since it feels good, and they can easily get into a relationship or situation that is unhealthy. They have a poor “filtering” or screening system since they do not know who they really are.

- Dependant - These people are prone to become very dependant. They allow others to make their choices for them. They take on others values. They become fearful of others leaving them due to their dependency, so they often give up more and more of their self the longer they stay involved.

When you live the V.I.P. life, you leave no space to be S.A.D. So…Are you living a V.I.P. or a S.A.D. life?

My vote and encouragement is to put all your energy into being the V.I.P. that you were truly meant to be. After all, you are a Very Important Person…WOW!!

Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.

Things You Can Do To Spice Up Your Relationship
By Julia Solomon

 One relaxed way to transport the excitement back into your relationship is too set up a time night. While you may see one another daily and even go out to banquet every Friday night, locale up a court night external of your regular schedule will enhance your relationship and give you something to look familiar to. Don’t just schedule a night to go out to banquet but pleasure each of these time nights as if they were first dates and make them unusual, go buy some sexy lingerie to dress underneath for later!. Go all out receiving yourself dressed up and take unusual tending in your appearance. Prepare for your court night as if you were truly demanding to make a good first impression. Going out of your way to have at slightest one night of fun and romance a week will help add a little dynamism to your relationship.

Giving your partner gifts for no incentive at all is another ways to get your relationship back on footpath. You may have lavished gifts on your partner early in the relationship but as the relationship progressed you may not have done so as frequently. Small, important gifts given just to make your partner glad will let them know that they are still always on your view just as they were in the launch of the relationship.

The unadorned act of property hands can also add excitement back into a relationship. This intimated gesture conveys a substance of sanctuary but it also lets your partner know that you want to be close to them at all epoch. Many couples grasp hands everywhere they go early in a relationship but don’t do so later. Try grabbing your partners hand as you are out operation tasks together. They will be touched by the sentiment and will be glad to be allotment a meaning of closeness with you again. Doesn’t it get you when you see an old couple land hands?

A kiss is still another way to produce the excitement back into your relationship. You may have gotten into the habit of bountiful your mate a kiss on the cheek or a transient peck on the lips when you see them after a long day of work. Trying kissing them with passion the next time you see them to contract them by stun and sincerely let you know not only how much you adore them but how attractive you find them as well.

Having an universal fascinate can also promote excitement in a relationship. If there is an activity that you both have liability, make it something that the two of you do together regularly. For example if you both like hiking make policy to go hiking every Saturday morning and each time you go out make it a little different by exploring a new scene or setting new goals for yourselves. This will give the two of you an attempt to reconnect while enjoying each other’s group. Having a ritualistic activity that you and your partner enjoy together creates closeness and intimacy that can help put the excitement back into your relationship.

Offering your partner a work when they are worn-out and jaded can also produce the excitement back to your relationship. A knead can be a very sensual and intimate experience. Additionally offering a massage lets your partner know that you can see that they are stressed out and exhausted. They will appreciate your putting them first in the relationship and this will help create back the excitement in your relationship.

Over time a relationship may misplace some of the excitement that it had in the very opening. While this may be troublesome it is also completely normal and reversible. Noticing the require of excitement in your relationship is the first action to restoring that excitement. It may take a little work but with a few unfussy actions you can be on your way to an exciting relationship. Don’t disregard to make them feel exclusive, sometimes just giving them something nice like a new example of lingerie can make all the difference.

Want to find out about relationship stages and relationship breakup? Get tips from the Relationship Guide website.

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